10 Sex Things Only Married Guys Understand


If sex didn’t go as planned, it’s no big deal. You can always try again later. You know where your partner lives.

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Some days, you’ll bang like a well-oiled machine

Maybe almost literally, if you’re into massage oil and lube. By now, you’ve probably got plenty of practice under your belt (and if not, you’ll get there). There’s plenty of time for sexual experimentation in a marriage, but you’ll likely reach a point where you’re wordlessly and effortlessly changing positions and matching rhythms. It’s like erotic ice dancing. Alright, ice dancing is already plenty erotic. It’s like more erotic ice dancing.

But it doesn’t all have to be great

When you first started hooking up, there was pressure for the sex to be virtually perfect. You felt like you always had to smell good and be ready to go whenever. No bad breath or body odor. No “laundry day” underwear. But once you’ve tricked someone else into spending the rest of their life with you, it doesn’t always have to be the best sex ever. It’s not that married couples give up on sex. It’s not like you say “I do” and stop wearing clean underwear and applying deodorant. It’s not like you stop caring about orgasming. But you’re (hopefully) going to have lots of sex. If it didn’t go as planned, it’s no big deal. You can always try again later. You know where your partner lives.

Sex Things Only Married Guys Understand

You’re both going to see some shit

Invariably, you’re going to have sex go sideways in a visible way. Maybe it’ll be hemorrhoids or the arrival of some awful food-poisoning mid-coitus. Things will happen. But it’s not a big deal, really, because with marriage comes the love and support that helps you find each other sexy even when you yourself don’t feel your sexiest.

You feel confident about shaking things up

Married couples aren’t afraid to try something new. There’s nothing intimidating about messing around with a vibrating penis ring or even a sex swing because hey, you promised to love me in sickness and in health, and if I get injured falling off a sex swing, JOKE’S ON YOU!! Every couple has their own comfort zone but the support of marriage can help you venture a little outside of it while still feeling safe.

You know how to get each other off in minutes or even seconds (when necessary)

You know how to get each other off in minutes or even seconds (when necessary)

You know your respective bodies so well that if you’re short on time, you can just go nuts on each other and walk away with a satisfying orgasm.

There are no mind games

Sure, as a married couple you still love to seduce each other, but it’s also nice to sometimes just roll over and ask, “Wanna have sex?” and have that line actually work.

Sex becomes less of an endgame and more of a benefit

Many guys have the genetic predisposition to go to near-idiotic lengths for the prospect of sex, and at the beginning of the relationship, it was all about sex. You’d drive over to her place at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday if it meant sex. But by the time you’re married, sex is just one of the many benefits of your relationship and not the pinnacle of it.

But lots of sex is still great

Sex Things Only Married Guys Understand

That doesn’t mean your sex life has to slow down (although that isn’t uncommon). Married couples aren’t really the sexless butt of jokes they’re made out to be. You can still have sex all the time.

At this point, you have learned the behaviors that are most likely to piss your wife off

You’re married. If she didn’t love your not-so-subtle suggestions to try a threesome before, she is sure as hell is not going to tolerate them now.

Morning sex is where it’s at

Married couples, like most couples, are busy. They probably have careers. They have plans with other married couples. They might have kids. Regardless of your preferences previously, morning sex becomes ideal. Pre-shower sex before you’re tired from all your daily obligations is the best, morning breath be damned.

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