“Were those your icy feet or did I just get kicked in the shin from beyond the grave?”
“We need more covers.”
The one good thing about winter is that you can each have more control over how hot or cold you are. Even if your bedroom is chilly, you can layer to your heart’s content with a bunch of blankets. This requires having a bunch of blankets though. And you can never have too many blankets. Which makes it all the more of a crime against humanity when you roll over and steal his carefully planned warmth-strategy away from him.
“How is it you’re the exact opposite of me in terms of temperature?”
Scientists have long sought to understand what it is that tethers human beings together. Do pheromones dictate sexual relationships? Are there subtle physical traits or cues that make a potential partner desirable? Based on absolutely nothing but anecdotal evidence, it seems like every couple has someone who runs hot and someone who runs cold. It means lots of fights over the thermostat. But it also means that one of you wants to desperately snuggle in the winter, while the other is already boiling under the covers and doesn’t want any of that. It’s like every couple has one ice cube and one hot water bottle.
“Did I just get kicked in the shin from beyond the grave?”
If you’re the cold person (or ‘ice cube’) in the relationship, you don’t ever have to worry about this. You will never know the feeling of having ice cold feet brush against you in the middle of the night.
“Did our heater break?”
Waking up to discover you turned the heat down so low it’s basically off in the middle of January, then having to walk to your thermostat, shivering and shaking and rubbing your shoulders, means you’re not going back to sleep for at least an hour. When you sneakily turn the heat down thinking we won’t notice, it’s not subtle. We know what you did.
“Holy shit, why am I sweating?”
Hey, also: don’t jack up the thermostat while your partner is none the wiser. Don’t make them wake up in so much sweat they look like that something out of a movie where the main character just had a terrible, prescient, fever-dream nightmare about the main villain. That’s messed up. In this situation, you are the main villain.
“How did you get this far onto my side of the bed?”
It is incredible what the human body is capable of while asleep, but especially in the winter when you’re seeking body heat. It’s equal parts cute and annoying when you manage to roll over onto his side of the bed and over him without waking up, just because you want to be warmer. Even the most polite sleeper can’t do anything about sleep-bed-domination.
“I’ve been warming you up for so long my arm has fallen asleep.”
And now he can’t sleep, because his arm is all pins and needles.
“How is it even possible for your electric blanket to get this hot?”
Electric blankets are a form of torture, and also you’re not supposed to fall asleep with them unless you’re trying to light yourself on fire.
“How do you have all the covers?”
Seriously, sometimes it’s like people have this ability to spin as fast as a centrifuge while sleeping until they’ve spooled the covers up around them so tightly, it’s a miracle they can breathe.
Wintertime makes cuddling so much better.”
The worse the weather is outside, the better cuddling is inside. There’s a direct, positive correlation here. Snuggling in subzero weather during a blizzard is peak snuggling.
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